What is an attachment style?

Why does it have such a strong influence on how we experience relationships?

What is an attachment style? Attachment theory explained

Why are some people very distant and unattached in their relationships, while others are clingy and need constant reassurance? According to attachment theory, this is because people have different attachment styles. Here you will learn everything you need to know about the four attachment styles, how they are formed in childhood, why it is beneficial to develop a secure attachment style and how you can do this.

What is an attachment style?

A person's attachment style is the way they behave emotionally in relationships with others. According to attachment theory, developed in the 1950s by psychologist Mary Ainsworth and psychiatrist John Bowlby, attachment style is shaped and developed in early childhood in response to relationships with our first attachment figures. It is believed that our attachment style as adults essentially mirrors the dynamics we had with our caregivers as infants and children.

There are four main adult attachment styles: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant/disorganised. The latter three are all considered forms of insecure attachment. When a person has an insecure attachment style, this is at the root of problems around relationships and love.

A. anxious-preoccupied attachment

The axious-preoccupied attachment style is a form of insecure attachment style characterised by a deep fear of abandonment. People with axious-preoccupied attachment tend to be very insecure in their relationships. They often worry that their partner might leave them and are therefore always looking for reassurance. Anxious attachment is associated with "neediness" or clingy behaviour, e.g. becoming very anxious if the partner does not write back quickly enough and constantly feeling that the partner cares, that your partner does not care enough about you.

B. dismissive-avoidant attachment

The dismissive-avoidant attachment style is a form of insecure attachment style characterised by a fear of intimacy and attachment. People with the dismissive-avoidant attachment style usually have difficulty getting close to others and can quickly feel smothered in relationships. They typically keep a certain distance from their partners or are largely emotionally unavailable in their relationships, preferring to be independent and focus and rely on themselves.

C. fearful-avoidant / disorganised attachment

The fearful-avoidant / disorganised attachment style carries a combination of anxious and avoidant attachment aspects. People with this attachment style desperately crave affection on the one hand and want to avoid it at all costs on the other. They are reluctant to form a close, romantic relationship, but at the same time have an urgent need to feel loved by others.

D. secure attachment

Secure attachment style refers to the ability to form secure, loving relationships with others. Securely attached individuals can trust others and be trusted, they can love and accept love and approach others with relative ease. They are not afraid of intimacy and do not panic when their partners need time or distance from them. They are able to rely on others without becoming totally dependent.

How do attachment styles develop?

Attachment styles are usually developed in infancy based on our relationships with our first attachment figures. Researchers believe that attachment style is formed in the first year of life, between 7 and 11 months. A crucial factor in the formation of attachment style is how the primary caregiver responds to the child's signals when he or she is experiencing emotional stress. In some cases, an insecure attachment style is also being developed through traumatising experiences in adult relationships.

"Humans are born helpless and are programmed from birth to seek and bond with a reliable caregiver in order to find protection," writes Peter Lovenheim, author of The Attachment Effect, on mbg. "The quality of that first bond - loving and stable or volatile or even absent - actually shapes the developing brain and influences us throughout life in how we cope with loss and how we behave in relationships."

Here is a brief overview of the circumstances that lead to each of the four types of bond:

- secure attachment: The caregivers respond to the child's needs and are attentive.

- anxious-preoccupied attachment: The caregivers are inconsistent, unpredictable in their affection, sometimes over-committed and withdraw at times. It is the unpredictable fluctuations between emotional availability and distance of the caregivers that cause this person to be fearful of all their future relationships.

- dismissive-avoidant attachment: The caregivers do not respond to the child and are often dismissive and distant. They are constantly emotionally disconnected from their child, which leads the child to believe that their needs are not being met.

- fearful-avoidant / disorganised attachment: The environment that produces fearful-avoidant / disorganised attachment includes a caregiver who is frightening or traumatising, causing the child to experience a deep sense of fear and a lack of trust in others, even though they desire a close bond. The relationship with the caregiver may be neglectful or even abusive, so that the child develops a poor understanding of boundaries and is confused about what a healthy relationship looks like.

However, attachment figures are not the only ones who shape your attachment style. (This is one of the many misconceptions about attachment styles.) A person's attachment style can also be influenced by other important relationships throughout their life. A person may have had a secure attachment in childhood, but betrayal and infidelity in adulthood can lead to an insecure attachment.

In general, we can heal our insecure attachment style and develop a secure attachment. This is the most important key to happy, lasting and stable relationships.